So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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