I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I just found a bag of teeth...
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
