How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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