Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Is it because I queefed?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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