Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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