Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
