I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
