i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
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