She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
