I puked a lego.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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