I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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