I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
