Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
