Whod you bang
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
