the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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