Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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