That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
