Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
