I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
