I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
