I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
