We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize