he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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