How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
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I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
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Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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