Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
