So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
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