It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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