My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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