Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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