Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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