You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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