i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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