Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
