I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
