So drunk its hurt
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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