The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
