I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
