You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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