Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
