i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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