May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
