he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
