can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Randomize
