I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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