I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
