Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
