I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i think i have two assholes
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
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