my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
