The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Randomize
