true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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