Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
