My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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