Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
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