Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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