First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
