we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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