Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize