I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize