hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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