Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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