Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
