fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize