I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
